the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
