By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
