So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
