Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
