So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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