I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
