That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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