I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
