Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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