I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize