Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
