so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
