I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
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