his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
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I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
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I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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