He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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