I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
