I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
