i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
