she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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