I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
