it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
