You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
