Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.