Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?