Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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