Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Define "chronic" masturbator.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm passing your future prison.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
