I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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