You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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