this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
