Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
