look no pants
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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