tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
