Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
