carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
