So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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