So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
