would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
