So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
