Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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