If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
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