I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
