Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
