Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize
