I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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