ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
