The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
