i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
