I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
