One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
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You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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