mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
