I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
