I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
