someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
