o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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