Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
