ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
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Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
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Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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