You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Are my feet made of real feet?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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