Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
