Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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