Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I need to calm my uterus...
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
